This has been a weird week. I’m struggling to get out of bed before 9:30am. Between the dark winter mornings (sunrise isn’t until after 8am in Berlin these days) and the fact that I don’t have any pressing deadlines for anything, it’s hard to motivate myself to leave the warm cocoon of the duvet. I’m pretty sure my body is trying to hibernate.
And then I spent over 11 hours playing Factorio on Monday…
I mentioned my magnetic bed issue to my mom, and she pointed out that I should lean into it. If I want to sleep for a while, and I’m not slacking in my responsibilities, why not, right? I’m just not sure it’s how I want to be spending my time. But nothing seems very engaging right now. I think I’m having a case of winter blues.
Winter Blues and Seasonal Effective Disorder
Y’all know what Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD) is, right? In northern latitudes in the winter, there isn’t enough sunlight to keep our brain’s serotonin levels up. According to Psychology Today, this serotonin deficiency leads to full-blown depressive episodes for 1-6% of the population. And the depression disappears entirely in the spring.
I’ve had my brushes with SAD. My first winter in Seattle, I mysteriously wept daily around 5:30pm. Ask my brother about it (we lived together). It was a weird time. Over my six years in that city, I developed an arsenal of tools for combatting it. Vitamin D supplements, a sun lamp, and regular exercise are my SAD-busting trifecta.
My Strain of Winter Blues
But this year, it’s not SAD. I know what that feels like, and this isn’t it. I’m taking Vitamin D and we’re taking walks to get daylight. It’s funny – when we moved here, people warned us about the grey winters. But I can attest that it’s not nearly as grey as Seattle. Winters are SO much easier for me here.
It’s probably more related to the extended period of uncertainty we’re living in. Germany started a “lockdown light” at the beginning of November, and strengthened those restrictions on Wednesday. We’ll be locked down until at least mid-January.
So I’m finding myself just…waiting. I’m not sure for what, but I think it’s for more socialization, more chances to meet people in this new country, more experiences in Europe outside the walls of my apartment. But I can’t have that yet, so I’m feeling a bit bleak.
How I’m Dealing with the Winter Blues
So let’s talk tactics. I’m not content to sit by and let my winter slide by in a grey blur because I’m struggling to enjoy myself. I’ve spent a couple winters like that, but I have enough gumption in me this year to fight back a bit. Here’s my gameplan:
Forgiveness
First and foremost, I know that I need to grant myself some grace over being a bit slow this season. I don’t have much control over the circumstances, so I should work to accept them as they are. And honestly, my mom’s right – it’s not hurting anybody to stay in bed a little longer. So I need to stop beating myself up about it. And especially stop mentally jumping from, “I’m sleeping in for a few weeks,” to, “Clearly, I’m never going to do anything productive with myself ever again.”
Because that’s neither true nor helpful.
Indulging
Hand in hand with forgiving myself for doing these things comes actually indulging in the rest. If I’m going to be in bed later than normal and I’ve shut off the voice in my head berating myself for doing it, I need to take it further and actively enjoy the moment! This also goes for other things in my life. If I’m going to release myself from the structure I normally maintain, I’m going to try and go whole-hog and revel in it.
This means doing the fun stuff I want to do first. Only doing the sloggy chores if I have time and want to. I’ll probably watch more TV and vacuum less. But I’m going to enjoy it, damnit, so that when I feel motivated to go back to my structure, I’m well and truly rested.
(This blog post is an example of me indulging myself. Instead of writing to one of the keywords I have in my queue, I just jumped in with what I’m feeling right now and wrangled it into some sort of structure.)
Creating excitement/things to look forward to
But just lounging around isn’t going to help me feel less blue. I also need to find small ways to spark the enthusiasm that normally comes naturally. Zack needs to use the end of his vacation days, so today is his last workday of the year. That’s one big thing to look forward to: Zack being available to hang out all day, every day.
We’ve been planning little house projects to tackle while he’s free: paint a wall, reorganize a gallery wall, move furniture. And some baking ideas. And Christmas movies.
I’m hoping that, by actively scheduling these things, I’ll have a reason to keep track of what day it is. And hopefully start feeling like getting out of bed sometime soon.
Summary
December is naturally a time of reflection and evaluation. I’ve made my thoughts on New Year’s resolutions perfectly clear here, but I usually do some sort of reflection or project planning. I might get my oomph back before New Year’s and I might not. But either way, I’ll be focused on enjoying the time and building up small moments of excitement.
