Why I Want You To Be Mediocre Right Now.

Back in November, a typically-optimistic Past Katherine wrote about how she was going to stay sane during lockdown. Well, Present Katherine is here to say that it worked…to a certain extent. But I’m tired. And this past week has been really rough. I don’t have pithy advice or any brain science to dole out here. I just kinda need to vent.

And honestly, from things I’m seeing on social media, I’m not the only one feeling completely out of energy. I’ve seen a couple of my most inspiringly-driven friends asking for advice on social media about how to keep themselves motivated right now. And I am both in desperate need of that advice and also kind of opposed to following it?

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So let’s pretend we’re out at a bar (remember those?), with a beer (mine’s a Mac’n’Jack, FYI. I miss that stuff.) or your drink of choice. Just imagine that I’m sitting across the booth from you, saying all these things at you.

Maybe it will feel normal for a little bit.

Ugh, Seasonal Affective Hit Early

I think part of the reason why I’m so damn irritated right now is that (1) I know that my Seasonal Affective Disorder is going to strike; but (2) IT’S EARLY.

March is supposed to be my bad month! I’m not supposed to feel completely flat and devoid of interest for another couple weeks at least!

I think it’s because I haven’t done much since mid-October. I’ve been inside so much because there’s nowhere to go. Plus, we had two solid weeks of below-freezing weather (it dipped below freezing one day and didn’t go above it for FIFTEEN DAYS), so even my daily walks have been short and unhappy.

And I know that I just need to ride it out. I’ll bounce back. But the only emotion I can muster right now is deep irritation at SAD showing up early.

Damnit.

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I’m Tired of the Idea of The Grind

Ugh, you guys, I don’t even know how to word this. Not really. But Imma try. So I started this blog in an attempt to get a handle on social media marketing, since my lack of practical experience with it was impeding my ability to get a job in Berlin’s tech- and startup-heavy business environment.

And you know what? Social media rewards accounts that produce content CONSTANTLY. And I knew going into it that I don’t really want to be an influencer. Being a conduit for ads doesn’t interest me, even if I wholeheartedly believe in the product.

Hell, the only products I really talk about are books and I rarely buy those myself! Support your local library! Get everything as an ebook! That’s what I do!

But social media algorithms aren’t my problem. I’ve also done a lot of self-work over the past couple years and realized that I’ve tied my self-worth to productivity, whatever that means, and I’m trying to redefine that.

So I’m trying to practice NOT pressuring myself into doing stuff all the time. Allowing rest and “wasted time” to exist in my life without judgement. I’m failing miserably. But I’m working on it.

And so seeing my friends flailing and trying to figure out how to push themselves after a FULL YEAR of being in a global pandemic and also in the pits of winter…it makes me feel deeply maternal. It triggers the Mama Katherine instinct to protect them.

But on the other hand, I’m deeply privileged and don’t have to work, so advocating stepping away *~the grind~* is a weird entitled thing to do, so I won’t.

But I will say this. I want you – yes, YOU – to do the bare minimum. Just don’t get fired right now. Your energy will come back. Your drive and the excitement you get when you check something off your list – it will return. Just hibernate for now. Get by. Be mediocre. It’ll be a small percentage of your time on this planet and nobody is gonna notice.

I promise.

The Hypocrisy of It

(Did you realize that that last paragraph was as much for me as it was for you?)

I’m such a damn hypocrite. But I think we all are. It’s so much easier to care for your friends than it is to care for yourself. I’m so much kinder to my friends than I am to myself. So maybe that’s the point of all of this.

What you do or don’t accomplish in the next couple of months doesn’t define you.

It won’t erase all the marvelous things you’ve done already.

It won’t predict the amount of mind-blowing things you’ll do in the future.

I saw a tweet recently that said, “It doesn’t all have to happen today”. And that’s what I’m trying to take to heart.

Be mediocre for your own good, ok?