My husband said something to me the other day that stuck with me. He said, “You’re very risk-averse with your hobbies.” His choice of words surprised me – I don’t consider myself particularly risk-averse. Sure, I’m the opposite of an adrenaline junkie and am incapable of sliding while standing up, but I moved across the world to a country where I don’t speak the language! I can take risks! But after some consideration, I figured out what he meant: I don’t know how to be bad at things.
Once I hit on the core of the issue, I started thinking of examples when that’s been true – I let Zack do most the talking when we interact with German speakers; I quit taking tap lessons when it started being hard for me; I’ve started two different blogs without really sharing them with people; I refused to join a recreational volleyball league because I know I’m out of practice…
The list goes on.
What Is Going On?
On reflection, I think it comes back to my own definition of self. I limit myself with this definition, and I’m slowly unraveling the hard-and-fast definitions I created in high school. Growing up in a tiny town, by the end of high school, I (thought) had a very solid understanding of who I was and how I fit into society. And part of that self-definition was what I am good at and what I am not good at.
As I continued through life, when opportunities would present themselves, I would do a subconscious evaluation:
As an example, a few years ago, I was at a bar that had a mechanical bull. I’ve always wanted to try one of those, out of sheer curiosity.
- Have I ever done this? Nope.
- Is it a Thing I’m Good At? No, I have no demonstrated aptitude for staying on things
- Is it safe to look like an idiot? It was a slow night at the bar, and not in my city, so I was never going to see these people again. Also, I talked my friends into joining me in the activity. So, yes.
But…why do I put myself through these mental gymnastics? I know that it’s to protect myself from embarrassment. I’ve discovered that a lot of my self-worth is tied into doing things that I’m good at, well. So doing things that I’m not good at will harm that self-worth. Avoiding things I’m not good at preserves the self-worth.
This turned into me being hesitant to try things. On the chance I do try new things, I hide my attempts, keep them secret until perfection, or immediately point out the imperfections (in fear of others seeing it and thinking that I don’t know that it’s not perfect).
I’d found a system that I didn’t even know I was using!
Developing a New System
I don’t like the current system. I put unnecessary barriers between me and things that sound like fun. This is why I’ve never taken up oil painting. Why I’ve never found a choir to join in Berlin. Why I’ve never been public about the blogs that I’ve written.
I don’t want to live like that anymore. So, the next system that I’m going to develop is how to be bad at things – and letting people see. And I’m going to document the whole process here on this blog.
With any system that I build/use (see an example of a finished system here), the process is the same:
- Decide what the system should do
- Figure out a process
- Do the process for a period of time
- Evaluate how it went and define improvements
- Repeat steps 3 & 4 until I’ve smoothed out all the kinks in the system
Step 1: Decide what the system should do.
I don’t like my current flowchart of thoughts. In fact, my ideal flowchart would look something like this:
Step 2: The Process: How to be Bad at Things
Ultimately, this is a system of self-accountability. I want to be mindful of the things I shy away from and challenge myself to do the things anyway. Because life is too short to not do things cuz I’ll look stupid. Looking stupid doesn’t hurt me.
https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1141641-adventure-time
So. This is going to look like a weekly notice-and-reflect process. I’ll pay attention to the things that I didn’t do because of fear. And then, at the end of the week, I’ll do a little reflection blog. I’ll tell you all about the things I didn’t do because I thought I would be bad at them, and what I’m going to do about it.
Links to related content:
How to be Bad at Things: Check-in #1
How to be Bad at Things: Check-in #2
How to be Bad at Things: Check-in #3
How to be Bad at Things: Check-in #4
How to be Bad at Things (System Summary)
3 Types of Procrastination (or: I made a hat!)
NaNoWriMo Prep for a First-Timer
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