Money can be…complicated. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to manage your own budget, much less let somebody else in on it. I love to think about money and budgeting, but I had to make a deliberate effort to bring up finances with my husband when we were dating. But discussing finances is necessary in a long-term relationship. To that end, here are some ideas for how to talk about money with your partner.
What to talk about and why
Ultimately, the goal of talking with your partner about money is to come to a common understanding of finances. If this person is going to be your partner for any length of time, you want to be sure you see eye-to-eye about how to use money.
At the end of the day, money is a TOOL. But it’s also emotional – which is why having these conversations is hard. Try and come at these conversations with a fact-finding mindset. If money is a tool, you’re just discovering how your partner uses that tool. By finding the differences in the use of the tool, you can build a plan for the tool going forward.
Here are two topics to shape how to talk about money with your partner:
What is your vision of your future?
All romantic interest aside, talking about money with your partner is working to build a shared vision of the future. If you want to get married and have a clutch of children, but your partner is wary about long-term commitment and finds the idea of changing diapers revolting, you might not be compatible long-term. Similarly, if you only feel safe driving cars less than 5 years old (and are willing to spend the money to make that happen), but your partner wants to spend as little as possible on transportation…you either: (1) are not compatible long-term; (2) need to work out strong financial boundaries (and maybe not combine finances).
But this doesn’t have to be a downer of a conversation – planning and hoping and dreaming about the future should be fun!
Once you understand what the future looks like – how do you want to get there?
This is where you start taking stock of your current financial situation and make plans to build toward the future – together.
Depending on how long you’ve been with someone, this part of the conversation can vary in specificity. You might not be ready to share actual numbers yet, but you can still share information. Talk about whether you have debt or not. Where do you sit with saving for retirement?
As a relationship gets more serious, it gets more important to be honest and thorough in these conversations. If you’re working toward a future together, you both deserve to be fully informed of the facts. I’m a fan of being open with financial information even if you’re not combing finances!
How to talk about money with your partner: conversation starters
If those questions are too broad, here are some ways to get an idea of how your partner feels about money, on your way to full disclosure of personal balance sheets.
What are your current financial goals?
This question can serve a double purpose: it can serve as a starting point for talking about money together, and also allow you two to support each other in working toward your goals!
Do you know your credit score?
Even without asking what the exact number is, learning if your partner is tracking their credit score is a good way to start talking about what kind of long-term financial goals they have in mind!
How do you feel about debt?
This might not be something that they’ve considered before. When I started talking about money when I was dating my now-husband, I didn’t realize that people had different feelings about debt. I had student loan debt and was planning on getting a car (and financing it). But when we started having conversations about money, I learned that he was debt-averse and would rather not incur it at all! All this to say that this conversation (without naming specific numbers) can move you and your partner toward building a shared understanding of your future together.
Find out how money was handled as they were growing up
Here’s another area for being curious! If you’re wondering how to start talking about money with your partner, talking about your childhood is a solid starting point. Most of our understanding of financial systems are rooted in how money is treated in your childhood.
Summary
Ultimately, money is just one of many emotional and complicated subjects you will face together as partners. And you should remember that the goal is to work as a partnership. With that in mind:
Start small
Don’t plan to have a full disclosure meeting all at once! Bring up money in small ways over time. The more practice you get talking about money, the easier it will get!
Start early
You don’t have to come out swinging with your current debt balances on the first date! But bring up some of the earlier questions when you’re starting to really get to know someone. You won’t regret learning about their financial mindset earlier rather than later.
Be vulnerable
If you’re reading this and gearing up for one of these conversations…you’re probably going to have to be the vulnerable one to start. Though it’s just a tool, talking about money is emotional, so be prepared to approach it gently and take breaks from the topic if things get tangly.
