Currently, I’m building a system to challenge myself to notice when I’m avoiding doing things, figure out why I’m not doing them, and then do them anyway. For more details on the origins of this system, read this post.
For check-ins, I’m following a structure. First, I’ll review the goals for this week and evaluate how it went. Then, I’ll identify process improvements for the coming week. Ready? Let’s go!
What were you doing this week?
I actually didn’t end up with a log of avoidant moments, because early last week I found a new nuance to how I’d been thinking about this system.
I’ve been framing this exercise as a practice in building resiliency. I thought that the best way to change my pattern of thinking was to realize when I was leaning on old patterns of thought, interrupt that habit, and mindfully choose the new pattern of thinking.
There’s just one little problem with that: I’m judging myself – pretty harshly.
This week, I realized that I don’t just need to change my thought patterns. I need to address the harmful ways I’m viewing myself.
Which sounds intense and really introspective, but bear with me.
See, I have really high expectations for myself. And anybody who knows me is going to find this statement laughably obvious. But I’ve never examined how deep those expectations run, and how often I judge myself lacking or unworthy because I don’t achieve those impossibly high expectations.
And I assume everybody else does, too.
So when I am hesitant to try something new in a visible way, it’s because I assume that whoever views me is going to think the same terrible, negative, rude things about me that I think about myself.
And believe me, I’m MEAN to myself.
Which is OUTLANDISH because I’m normally such a positive person! But if you took a peek into my inner monologue, hoo boy, you’d want to give me a hug.
So OF COURSE I want to stay in safe Pre-Approved Activity Land. If I step outside of that border, who knows what new fodder my inner critic will find to sling my way!
What a limiting way to live.
In summary, I’m realizing that this system is still catching and adjusting patterns of thought, but these patterns are much more complicated than, “Ooh, that’s scary, should I do it anyway?”
What will you do for the upcoming week?
Positive reinforcement can be a powerful force. So I’m going to try and put it to use in the next week by attempting to notice when I’m spiraling into self-flagellation and instead consciously create a positive spin with my thoughts.
For example, if I find myself scrolling for too long (we’re talking hours here, people), my thoughts tend to go to, “Gee, I’m so lazy, I’ll never get anything done, that was such a waste of time, what is wrong with me?!” If, instead, I stop and think, “Huh, maybe I needed a break. But now that break’s over and I’m free to go do something else. Maybe something that will give me the dopamine hit I’m desperately seeking.”
So we’ll see how that goes this week. Stay tuned!
